Memory
by cucumber07
Summary: He slid his hands around her waist, savoring the soft but strong feel of her skin. He knew it was wrong. The whole situation was wrong. He didn't want to let it go on any further, but she was part of his pack, his friend.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.**

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He slid his hands around her waist, savoring the soft but strong feel of her skin. She was straddling him, the only thing standing between his already stiffened cock was her shorts, a flimsy pair of cloth shorts that he could have easily ripped from her. But he knew it was wrong. The whole situation was wrong. He sat up and took her face in his hands, trying his best to force her to look at him. She refused, just like always, keeping her eyes on her fingers that were sliding up his chest.

"Leah, I'm not him." He said firmly, going through the same motions they always did. "I'll never be him."

She tilted her head to the side and dipped into the crook of his neck, biting and nipping her way to his collar bone. She bit down and sucked roughly, reaching between them to take his already stiffened cock in her hand. He groaned loudly as she began slowly working her hand up and down his shaft, stopping every so often to graze the head softly with her fingertip.

"You don't love me," He insisted. "it's him. I cant be him. He left you." He let his head fall back as she pumped faster, attempting to silence him. "It's him you want to be touching, not me. He's the one you're seeing in your mind, wishing it was him here."

"Shut up!" Leah finally snapped, her head twisting back to look at him. "I'm here now. Take it or leave it. I'll go find someone else if I have to."

He closed his eyes and let out a heavy breath. He didn't want her going off fucking random guys, that's why he was there to begin with. Nobody could fuck her like 'he' once had, nobody but him.

She found herself shoved deep into his eyes, those brown eyes that looked so much like his. But they weren't. No matter how much he resembled him, looked like him, smelled like him. It never was. She bit her lip with frustration, snatching her gaze from his. She couldn't look in them while they did this, they weren't his, and his were the only eyes she would ever look into like that.

"No, I'm in." He protested when he felt her weight shift. "I just.. Ahhh…" She quickly closed her mouth over his cock, her warm, wet lips sliding easily up and down him. "…I think that you- oh god…" He fell back to the ground as she began sliding her tongue around the head, recruiting her hand to intensify the sensations. "uh.. I think you should..- shit… you should start coming to- ah… grips with what we're doing here.."

She released him and slid her body slowly, teasingly up his. She drug her fingernails roughly down his chest, blood slowly seeping from a few of the cuts. The marks would be there for maybe a day. He could hide them until then.

"I have an imprint, Lee." He tried again. "You're only with me because you cant be with him, you don't love me, I cant love you."

Leah ripped her shorts from her hips, throwing the material to join their other discarded items. He groaned loudly as she slid her wet pussy along his shaft, teasing them both, slowly grinding against it. He took hold of her thighs and flipped them so his body was pressed tightly to hers, their sweaty foreheads touching, his dick throbbing to be inside of her. They'd been there so many times, doing the same thing. But he couldn't help feeling wrong. It wasn't making things better, she wasn't getting any better. Only worse. Only more and more angry, more hostile, more unstable. Nobody knew but him. He was the only one she'd let see what it was doing to her. He didn't want to let it go on any further, but she was part of his pack, his friend. He didn't want her to suffer. Even if that meant fucking the pain away every once in a while when it became too much, he'd do it for her.

"I'm not him." He whispered softly into her hair, running his hand gently down her face.

"I know." She said, bucking her hips, urging him inside her. She pulled his face down into a bruising kiss, raking her teeth across his tongue, pulling his hair roughly with her hands. "Just do this for me, please" Her voice cracked, taking all of his sanity with it. She broke him, just like every other time he'd heard her voice telling him what she'd never admit.

He thrust himself into her, pulling one leg up to his shoulder. Growls begin repetitively erupting from their chests as he continues to slide in and out of her, "Jake..", she breathes, further urging him on. With everything forgotten, she finds herself completely wrapped up in Jacob. His smell, his skin, his chopped black hair. She runs her fingers through it as he quickens his pace. She felt herself slowly losing grip with reality, nothing but his touch, his breath, his hands, familiar to her. She finds herself lost in him as he works her in all the right places, the only ones he knows how to reach. His large shoulders above her, his tight arms around her, his face grazing hers every so often with the rhythmic motions he's fucking her in. She'd almost forgotten, _almost_. It was so much like him, so much like what she'd once had.

"Oh god-… Jake…" She pants, arching her back as he plunges deeper. "Please don't stop-… right there…-"

He picks up his pace, his movements becoming off beat and chaotic as they both push further and further to where they want to be. She feels her stomach tightening, her body beginning to shake, her hands gripping his head with unbelievable force. He tightens his hold on her hips as he shoves her over the edge, wracking her body and mind with pure bliss, one last time. She rides her orgasm, lifting her hips to meet his as he pumps a few more times, finally filling her with his. She pants his name once or twice as she comes down, clinging to his body until they both collapsed onto the dirt. She wasted no time after catching her breath and stood, shuffling through their little pile for her shirt. He sits up, turning to face away from her.

"I thought we agreed you wouldn't call me that anymore." He gritted, shaking his head with frustration.

She remained silent, shrugging on one of _his_ old t shirts. One that she just couldn't let go of no matter how bad it's condition got.

"Leah, you said you wouldn't say _his_ name anymore.." He half repeated, pushing for good measure.

He stood up after she stayed quiet, walking to her and taking her arm. "We cant do this anymore." He said softly. "It's not healthy, it's not right."

She pulled on his shorts and finally turned to him. "I don't care, like I said, take it or leave it."

"Leah!" Paul shouted when she turned to walk away, stopping her before she got to far. "He's gone."

She felt the tears slowly beginning to swell. It was always hardest after. It always felt so real. They were built alike, smelled alike, talked alike. With her eyes closed, she could always pretend. She hated coming back to reality, she hated feeling him leave her again. She missed his warmth. His touch. She missed their long nights and early mornings. She missed her alpha, her best friend, her boyfriend, her almost husband. She missed her mate.

"I know." She choked, unable to turn and face him. "But that doesn't mean I can accept it…. I just cant let him go."

Paul lifted his head, refusing to allow the building emotions to flow freely. "You have to, Lee Lee. We need you back with us."

"There is no me without him." She said shortly, her tears betraying her and pouring down her cheeks.

He'd saved them. From vampires, from a war, from any future turmoil. After Renesmee was born, Jacob led the attack that wiped the Cullens out. They killed all of them, even Bella. Then the Volturi killed him. It happened so fast, that nobody knew how to react, and then they were gone. They hadn't been back, no threats, no appearances. Nobody had the slightest idea of why they'd kill him when the Cullens were already gone, but they did. He was her heart, her everything, and he'd taken everything with him when he died. She tried everything, but he was always there. In her dreams. Paul was her escape, her hour or two of freedom, of happiness after all was over and done. He helped her find Jacob again somewhere in their fucked up evenings together. He did it because she was his friend, because Jacob was his friend. He knew that she never stopped thinking of him, not a single second of a single day passed by that you couldn't see him in her eyes.

"You can survive without him." Paul offered weakly, his own aching throat beginning to crack.

She chuckled through the streaming tears and building sobs. "I just don't know anymore." She leaned heavily into the tree and rested her head there. "I don't know how to." She sucked in a ragged breath, it's release accompanied by a small whimper. "I don't know if I want to."

Paul approached her slowly, taking her face in his hands. "I'll help you, we can all help you forget." He tried to pull her eyes to him, to make her look at him, but she refused, like always. "Why wont you look at me?" He pleaded.

"I want to remember his eyes, not yours." She said, her chest slowly begging to heave.

He thought of hugging her, but saw her quickly pulling herself back together. She straitened up and slapped the tears from her face, taking in a deep breath. "He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. But let's get this strait so that there's no confusion in the future…. He's all I'll ever need, he's all I'll ever want, and he's all I'll remember for however long I'm here. Don't you ever think about trying to make me forget him."

She shoved herself from the tree and began walking deeper into the forest. He was closer when she was here, deep in the woods, away from everything and everyone else. Maybe it wasn't healthy, what she was doing, dragging his memory on that way. But it was all she had left. He had taken everything with him when he left, when he died, when he was killed. His memory was all she had left to keep her there, to keep her going, to make her wake up when she just didn't want to. It was wrong to Rachel, what she was doing with Paul, but he helped her remember. When his face became fuzzy, when his scent was fading, when his eyes….his beautiful, strong, loving eyes were beginning to drift away… Paul's always made her remember. She could hear his voice when she was there, in that moment, void of reality and what was really going on. She never heard Paul once she closed her eyes. Once she allowed herself to fall into the strange place she'd found by accident, once she closed her eyes and felt nothing but their bodies, he was there. It may have been wrong, fucked up even, but she couldn't stop. She felt so empty without him everyday, without his arms keeping her safe, his soft but demanding tone putting her to sleep.

It may have been unhealthy, dragging his memory on that way, but he was her everything and until she was able to be with him again, his memory was all she had.

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**a/n. I know, you hate me right now. I hate me too. I have no idea where this came from, but I was watching some stupid soap opera (hence the horrifying angst) and it hit me. Hey, in my defense though, all my other stories are Blackwater and are completely faithful to them, lmao, I had to do something different eventually, right? Unfortunately for both you and me, it was this, and it was sad. Leave me loves, even though I don't deserve it for this one. =D REVIEWS! **


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